Last week was a pitch-slinging, message-polishing, clarity-boosting bonanza.
It’s like running a messaging repair shop – pitches roll in and we tune them up one by one.
From clients and prospects to Pitch Lab participants, we cut through the clutter, unearthing and polishing the hidden gems behind the confusing intros.
Here’s a behind-the-scenes look at three examples to show you how small changes can make a big difference.
Example 1: From Technical to Tangible
Original Pitch:
I help business owners use AI to solve marketing tasks they hate.
What’s missing:
This one sounds clever, but it’s too vague to land. “Business owners” is way too broad, and while “AI” is a hot topic, pairing it with “marketing tasks they hate” doesn’t paint a clear enough picture of the problem being solved. There’s no hook, no urgency, and no specific person that comes to mind to refer you to. Without clarity on who it’s for or what it actually does, it’s easy to gloss over—and that means missed connections.
Next Iteration:
I help CMOs improve email marketing conversions using AI.
Why it’s better:
Now we’ve zeroed in on a specific audience (CMOs) and a measurable outcome (email conversions). This version is way more grounded, and much more likely to catch the attention of someone in that role. But when we dug deeper, we realized it still wasn’t hitting the emotional target.
Final Pitch:
I use AI to help CMOs prove to their CEO that their marketing works.
Why it works:
This one hits the nerve. It speaks to the real fear and daily pressure CMOs face: “Can I show that this is working?” It passes the Pillow Talk Test—it’s what a CMO might worry about first thing in the morning. It’s also benefit-driven, emotionally resonant, and sets up a compelling follow-up conversation.
Example 2: From Broad to Believable
Original Pitch:
I guide individuals at mid-career level to suitable jobs so they can pursue fulfilling careers.
What’s missing:
This one sounds nice… but it could apply to just about anyone. It’s an accurate yet broad generalization of the work she does, and people don’t engage with general. She does help people find a “fulfilling career,” but that’s too vague to spark curiosity or connection. The result? No emotional hook, and no specific referral comes to mind.
Next Iteration:
I help graveyard shift workers find daytime weekday work.
Why it’s better:
Now we were getting somewhere. She visibly relaxed, then broke into the most radiant smile. “This is language that resonates with the people I want to serve,” she beamed. The pitch came straight from a real success story—one of her clients who made the leap from overnight shifts to daytime work. It’s specific, visual, and easy to repeat. You can feel the impact—nights and weekends free is life changing. And if you know someone stuck on the graveyard shift, you’ll instantly know to send them her way.
Alternate Version (Equally Strong):
I help immigrant professionals get credentialed to work in the US.
Why it works:
This one came straight from her own story—she was a teacher in Uganda who had to navigate the complex process of getting certified all over again when she moved to the U.S. It’s personal, purposeful, and crystal clear. If you’ve been through it, or know someone who has, this pitch hits home.
So which pitch should she use? Honestly—both are great. I recommend trying each one out for a couple of weeks and noticing which one gets better reactions, follow-up questions, and introductions. The best pitch is the one that sparks productive conversations.
Example 3: From Blah to Aha
Original Pitch:
I offer low disruption process improvement.
What’s missing:
This one falls flat because it doesn’t solve a clear problem. “Process improvement” could mean anything—from manufacturing to HR to IT—and without context, “low disruption” sounds more like a sales objection than a hook. There’s no pain point, no urgency, and no clear audience. It’s too safe to spark interest.
Next Iteration:
I work with COOs to shift from departmental goals to enterprise performance.
Why it’s better:
Now we’re speaking to a specific role—COOs—and pointing to a meaningful shift. It hints at the bigger picture and makes you wonder, Wait, are we too focused on departmental goals? It’s intriguing, but still a bit conceptual.
Final Pitch:
I help COOs stop measuring what’s easy and start measuring what matters.
Why it works:
This version cuts through the noise. It’s sharp, memorable, and makes you think. It takes what he’s best at—fixing how organizations track success—and wraps it into a clear, educational insight. If you’re a COO and this hits a nerve, you immediately want to talk to him. It doesn’t just describe his service—it reframes the conversation.
Why These Pitch Shifts Work
Each of these transformations delivered a little aha! moment—not just for the person saying the pitch, but for the people hearing it. That’s the real goal. A great pitch doesn’t just explain what you do—it sparks interest, invites follow-up questions, and gets the right people thinking, “I know someone you should talk to.”
When your pitch is too broad, too vague, or too clever, it makes people work too hard to understand—or worse, they tune out entirely. But when your pitch is specific, clear, and emotionally resonant, it starts conversations. And conversations are where opportunities begin.
So whether you’re helping immigrant professionals re-enter their field, showing CMOs how to prove their value, or helping COOs measure what actually matters—your pitch is more than a tagline. It’s your first step toward connection.
Ready for Your Own Aha! Moment?
If reading these pitch makeovers has you thinking, “I could use a little help with mine…” you’re in exactly the right place.
Book a free 30-minute Perfect Pitch Consultation and we’ll untangle your current intro and find the words that actually get people interested.
Or, if you want a place to test, tweak, and workshop your message with a fun crew of fellow professionals, join us in the Pitch Lab—live every Monday at 1pm Eastern.
Your pitch is closer than you think. Let’s make it clear, compelling, and conversation-starting.
Andrew Winig is an Elevator Pitch Coach. He works with consultants who want to monetize their expertise. He wrote the Elevator Pitch Handbook and publishes a weekly Elevator Pitch Tips Email Newsletter.
